Well, not a very happy note to start on, but maybe it'll help to get some things down in a journal.

Thank you all for your good wishes, and for your prayers, Brownie. My Dad's name is Clarence. He's always been a pretty grouchy guy and we didn't usually get along very well. But he always provided for us & we knew that he actually loved us. And I really love him and my Mom. I am fortunate that I get the opportunity to be there for them.

I've been thinking about how you've been doing this for your Mom, Luv, and that gives me more strength.

Hearing more postive things about your relatives' cancer makes me remember that maybe I'm catastrophizing too much. It would be better to take one thing at a time. The doctor did say that for this type of cancer the chemotherapy might not be so bad with the side effects.

My challenge during this time is to support my parents and family and still take care of myself. It is important that I exercise and eat right. I need to manage my anxieties and not let my stress get too out of hand.


Yesterday I was getting very anxious & tearful on my way to Mom and Dad's house. I did some slow deep breathing and that helped.

Went a little too long without eating, but still didn't overeat when I ate dinner at 9. Better not get too hungry tomorrow when we go to get the bone marrow biopsy.

Last night I couldn't sleep & got up again. In the past I would have eaten until I was ready to fall asleep. But last night I did some yoga & then went back to bed. Doing yoga is SO much less stressful. Why add the guilt, anger and remorse I feel after overeating?

Today was busy, but I did get some yoga & Pilates in earlier. Then fit in cardio at 9:30pm. Was pooped out, but I got up and did it! And I'm glad I did! I'll be glad tomorrow too. I feel so much more confident when I exercise.
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It's hard to keep the quality of my exercise up because I'm thinking about other things. But doing any exercise is really helpful.

Morning Nancy

I'm So Sorry About Your Troubles... You Seem To Be In Right Frame Of Mind For This. Your A Strong Girl And With Your Strenght You Can And Will Pulll You And Your Family Threw This....always Think Positive Nancy....never Give Up The Faith...just When You Think Life Is A Party It Throws Us A Curve Ball.....god Will Never Give Us More Than We Can Handle....remember That Okay.....there Is A Reason For Everything ....we Dont Have To Understand It Or Even Like It...just Know That Its All Part Of His Plan......i Will Be Praying For You And Your Family Nancy....good Luck And Keep Strong....french

Wow Nancy that's awesome about doing the Pilates/Yoga to make yourself fall asleep instead of eating. I need to try to start doing that. I too sometimes eat late at night just to make myself relax and fall asleep. Gotta stop that:Whip:

Hi,
I haven't really talked to you much Nancy but I wanted you to know that I am praying for your family.I know what you are going through.
My sister Diana had a cancerous brain tumor removed in March and has been going through Chemo and Radiation ever since. Now she has a new mass and will be having another MRI to find out if it is cancer. It is such a ruthless disease, and when it touches someone you love, it is overwhelming. Do you have a church family to lean on? I have found that having a circle of believers can be a huge source of strength and comfort not only for you but for your parents as well. Anyway, you can PM me if you ever need to talk or if you need anything.:Hug2:

I hope you can stay on track, Nancy. :Hug1: You've given me some really good advice in the past and now it's time to listen to it for yourself.

I've never had the best relationship with my mother and now that she's sick, just being with her sometimes wears on my nerves. I get anxious and then I'm not at my best and I feel guilty afterward. I think therapy is helping me. Just being able to talk to someone neutral and non-judgmental seems to help me feel better and not sink into despair.

So, you find that deep breathing helps calm you? I'll have to look that up and give it a try. I'd give yoga a try but I don't know how relaxing it would be with a dog in my face. LOL She is the most inquisitive animal I've ever seen. She stays stuck to me like glue and follows me from room to room even though my house is very small. Right now she's laying under my chair as I sit at the computer. I really think that this dog is good therapy for me, too. Despite some of my bitchin' about her at times.

Nancy, chemo doesn't seem to be as bad as it use to be in the past. Every once in a while mom feels nauseous and has to take a pill, but she rarely throws up due to the treatments. She does get tired and sleeps a lot for a few days after chemo. Of course your father is in his 80's and everyone acts differently. I hope he's one of the lucky ones.

__________________
Join me at Gather!

Thanks to each of you for your kind words. Reading each of your messages was helpful to me.

Dawn, I'm not a religious person, but am a somewhat spiritual person. My parents go to church, and down the road, I think I may suggest to them your idea about using their church family for strength & comfort. They hardly know much about expressing their feelings.

Luv, I've starting using the deep breathing since I started doing my yoga, and it really helps me to be calmer, along with the yoga. I think the yoga makes the biggest difference, though. Too bad DOG can't do yoga along with you.
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I was happy that both my parents were doing much better today. My Dad's been eating & drinking better and had much more energy and strength. I think a new med may be helping. Probably my Mom was better because she was less worried about my Dad. Also my Dad wasn't taking his frustrations out on her as much. My Dad tolerated the bone marrow biopsy well today. We probably will find out the diagnosis and hear about treatments next week.

I did some more deep breathing when I was getting anxious, which helped. My body was pretty tense. I took the time for myself and lay down on the sofa & focused on relaxing my body. Got more relaxed & fell asleep for awhile.

Stuck to my healthy eating today. Maybe went a little too long without eating.

Waited till after dinner, so then missed exercise today. Don't want to get in a habit of not exercising...

Nancy, I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through.

I went through quite a turmultous year with my mother last year when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. And I am very close to my mother so it was so hard to watch her go through some painful experiences. However,
I also watched her find her inner strength and become this amazing woman who fought so hard and is doing ok.

Funny thing is that the same personality traits that you have found hard to deal with, with your father, may very well be the strength that helps him get through his ordeal!

You are such a kind, generous and loving individual and you have already shown that you are giving a lot of support to your family. Just keep remembering to be good to yourself and know that you are doing all that you can do and it is enough.

I lost a very good friend to cancer a few years ago. Abigail was such a beautiful person! Though I am still sad that i lost her, I am always warmed by her memory. And though her story didn't end as successfully as my mother's, I would go through everything all over again with her just to be able to be with her some more. It is amazing how situations like these really define what is important in relationships, be it our mothers, fathers, co-workers, children, friends, whatever...
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I'm so glad you are journaling to work through your feelings. We all wish you strength, love and endurance for the road ahead and we are walking by your side.:Love3:

Thank you, too, Mindy for those kind words.

You are so right about my father's personality giving him strength that will help him get through this. He can be pretty self-centered, selfish, & critical of other people, bless his heart. But he sure makes taking care of himself a priority, which can be a good thing.

He loves life and he's turning 89 yo in about 2 months. He said to the doctor yesterday something like, "I don't care what you do to me as long as you cure me". It I were in his position, I'd tend toward thinking, "I know it must be something terrible. How bad is it? This is going to kill me, but how soon? How much will I suffer?"
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3 weeks ago, he and my Mom (who's 87) drove by themselves from California to Montana for 2 weeks so he could hike back by himself every day & go fishing.


For me today, I'm noticing I need to take care of myself better. Every once & awhile I feel how tense parts of my body are. I'm telling myself there's so much to do & then I start to do none of it because I feel overwhelmed. I'm starting to want to avoid things & do nothing... But if I do that, I'll be more behind & more stressed. That doesn't work!

OK, priorities...
At least do yoga & cardio today. Exercise is vital for my well-being.

I'm eating OK. Following SBD.

I sense a lot of inner strength in you too Nancy!

I'm glad you remind me of my inner strength, Mindy. :Love Doctor: It seems like a habit for me to focus on what I DON'T do instead of my strengths. I can learn to change that habit, though.
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Well, Thursday I overindulged on SBD-friendly foods. I was feeling so stressed & overwhelmed. I was telling myself I needed to do thorough research on the disorders & possible treatment. In a way, overeating instead gave me an excuse to not do all the things I told myself I "SHOULD" be doing. I realize I was expecting too much of myself. I am human.

I was aware I was at high risk to overeat. I was watching myself as I did it. That slowed me down, & I didn't eat THAT much.

Do I want to negate all the hard work I've done for some immediate gratification? No! Overeating actually ADDS to my stress, anyway!


Friday, I was tempted sometimes to start overeating when I would eat trigger-type foods. It's like a psychological habit. I hung in there, and exercising helped. I didn't let myself get too hungry & that helped too.

Thank goodness for Yoga! It really helps me get calm and centered in my body and mind.